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Age of Covert Narcissism

 

These are the real scary stories  the monsters that your mother warns you about as she tucks you into bed. But they don’t hide in closets or dark basements; they wear the most cunning disguise of all: the mask of the victim.

You’ll never know if their stories are true; a dead family member, some form of abuse, a cruel ex-partner. But the story always starts the same way: “here are the ways I have been hurt, and, therefore, the justification for when I hurt you, and, oh, I promise that I will.”

The covert narcissist can be your best friend, your partner, your co-worker. In an age of self-obsession and exhibitionism, narcissists are everywhere. But the covert narcissist is the most dangerous of all. Like vampires, they will suck you dry, if you let them. They will drain you until you are nothing but bone and flesh before moving on to the next victim, with a fabricated sob story in tow. And that’s where the trouble starts — banishing a narcissist is nearly impossible, and most people never fully escape their captors.

The covert narcissist will wear a mask of pain. That pain might even have roots in reality, but it manifests itself in extreme hostility and defensiveness. If you catch your narcissist doing something unconscionable — lying about you, cheating on you, deliberately hurting you — you will soon find yourself as the “bad guy.” And if you have the misfortune to live with your narcissist, he or she just might leave you on your own for days on end after an argument. Phone off. “Stay here and think about what you did.” And, like a shamed dog, you will.

Your covert narcissist might shower you with gifts. If you go through a time of personal difficulty, the words of comfort won’t often be there, but the material illusion of support will. After a fight, you might exhaust yourself trying to open a line of communication. But just when you begin to give up hope, your narcissist will make some superficial gesture  a fancy dinner, a teddy bear, a stack of magazines and a bottle of wine.

The conversation, the resolution, will never happen, because they are, simply, incapable of communicating with maturity. You can try your best to grow with your narcissist, whether it’s a friend or a partner, but you won’t get anywhere unless the person is willing to look at themselves honestly while making daily efforts to better themselves. But far too often, you will want to return to the euphoria of their love, and will be all too willing to sweep serious issues right back under the rug for the sake of temporary peace.

If you attempt to have a serious conversation with your narcissist, to really shed light on the behavioral patterns that scare you, he or she might say something like, “If the worst thing a person can say about me is that I’m selfish, I can live with that.” But this highlights the problem: truly selfish people cannot and should not form serious relationships with other people. To make matters worse, narcissists will intentionally prey on the kind-hearted because they know that sensitive, good people are the easiest to control. Like predators stalking their prey, they will find the weakest of the pack, the biggest hearts, the most sensitive souls. And unless you know exactly what you’re dealing with, you’re a goner before you even realize what has hit you.

Picture this: you are a young, naive person. You meet somebody who dazzles you with their charm. But just as soon as you are hooked, the person withdraws, not-so-subtly relishing in their brooding appearance. The hunt has begun; they push and they pull, working you into a confused and nervous state that can only be soothed when they choose to condescend to go in for the figurative kill. A wave of relief washes over you; the bumpy road has ended, or so you think. And just like that, you have been conditioned to ride out these storms, to crave the calm that always follows. You will do anything to calm your narcissist when they have worked themselves into a rage, often uttering words that sting you like venom, seeping into your body and leaving a mark forever.

But the worst, the very worst, will come when you find that your narcissist has exploited your personal pain or tragedy. They collect your stories and tuck them away for a day when they can distort and twist them to their advantage. And, like a true opportunist, they will often disfigure your stories on the day that you gather the courage to leave them, even if only temporarily. So, as you try to recover from the emotional trauma, to maintain your composure even though you feel as if you’ve been skinned alive and laid bare for all to see, you will hear your most sacred stories being passed around like the day’s gossip. But worse, they are not even your stories — just empty shells of the real things that have been twisted and torn to make you look like the monster.

Your narcissist will get to work quickly in tearing you down, because the wrath of a bitter narcissist is like nothing else in this world. Rather than simply saying the relationship has ended, your narcissist, filled with a well-guarded rage, will weave stories of your shortcomings and faults. If you’re a young twenty-something who got a little too drunk once or twice, they will turn you into an alcoholic. If you met during your college party days, the time when it’s socially acceptable to try things like hallucinogens, your narcissist will paint you as a drug addict. If you’ve faced personal tragedy, you will become a character in the narcissist’s act of self-pity, playing the role of emotional leech while they heroically attempt to steer you to safety. You will be amazed at their ability to creatively weave the narrative of the victim into any situation.

The irony here is that your narcissist just might tell these stories while they themselves are actually engaging in the exact behaviors that they accuse you of. Such is the hypocrisy, blindness, and contradiction of the narcissist. But the most painful emotional injury occurs when this person takes truths and defiles them in order to garner sympathy and support. A scorned narcissist is a very dangerous thing, and there are truly no words to convey the wounds their lies can inflict. There is no hope of defending yourself, of telling your side of the story — any action that you take will only entangle you in their web again. So, you learn to swallow your pride, to pretend that the insults don’t hurt you. And, as brutal as this is, you will learn to value yourself in ways that your narcissist would never allow. You will become strong, hard, impervious to their taunts, because you will know that you are saving your own spirit.

So, if you ever find yourself ensnared in the web of a covert narcissist, remember that they are everywhere, but that everyday, they are beaten and overcome. In this day and age, there are countless tools of vanity at our disposal; these things allow us to present the life and perspective that we want people to see. Such a culture fuels and even creates narcissists, and while one must be aware of the risks, it is also important to know that if you have the misfortune to encounter someone who tries to pull your strings like a puppeteer on his or her doll, you will escape, survive, and in doing so, learn your own resilience and strength of character.

But one key question remains: why do we allow these people into our lives in the first place? The answer is simple: we want to believe that people are better than they are, that who they appear to be in moments of goodness are who they are in their hearts. And while this may be true, even in the case of covert narcissists, the fact is that it is our humanly duty to ensure our own survival and well-being through self-care.

We cannot save people who don’t ask for our help or who, more importantly, thrive off of our pain because it means that we are more malleable. So, in the uncomplicated and eloquent words of Stephen Chbosky, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” But in that moment when you choose to free yourself from a narcissistic personality, you will begin to realize what you truly deserve; and while the road might be bumpy, it is nothing compared to the rollercoaster ride of highs and lows that an egomaniac will drag you along for.

In the end, you can choose to love yourself, to accept the bad things that have happened as part of the price of being a compassionate human being, and move forward with a little more wisdom & courage, and your dignity intact.

 https://medium.com/@julietswh/age-of-covert-narcissism-9ae0383a35f0